


The Darkness in my Tired Heart

by Digigal_transbian



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Not Beta Read, Song: It’s Over Isn’t It?, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:40:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24296734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Digigal_transbian/pseuds/Digigal_transbian
Summary: Steven has a heart to heart with Peridot and Lapis.
Relationships: Lapis Lazuli & Peridot (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli & Steven Universe, Peridot & Steven Universe
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	The Darkness in my Tired Heart

"Hey, can I talk to you two for a minute?"

"Yeah sure, what's up?" Lapis asks.

"I just kinda need to let some things out, you know?" He says, grabbing his arm and hunching in on himself.

"Of course, man." Lapis shrugs, "Want to go somewhere a little more comfortable?"

"Sure."

One quick flight to the strawberry battlefield later, the three of them get comfortable on a hillside.

"I never learned how to process emotions right." He admits with no preamble.

"I just learned how to hold them in, and I had to teach myself." Steven continues, "So now, when it's all overflowing and over filled, I can't do anything about it. I don't know how."

"Now I'm just a broken mess." He sighs.

"I'm bad at being a friend. Dumping this all on you when you have your own problems to worry about." Steven says, not looking at either of them.

"No, Steven," Lapis calmly starts, "You need this, just let it out."

"Yeah," Peridot picks up, "You never gave up on us, why should we give up on you?"

"I'm just," He pauses, letting out a brief sigh, "Broken."

"I know the feeling." Peridot mumbles under her breath, remembering how she felt without her limb enhancers at first.

"I care deeply, I have so much love to give." Steven says, looking right into his palms, "And then I'm cold, spiteful, hate filled and I don't know why."

"Well I do know why, the trauma, but I don't know what it is, if that makes sense."

"It does." Lapis reassures him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Like," He says, "I have: calm or null, drained, empty, cold and angry. That's it, that my emotional range." He counts on his fingers, "Cold and Hateful, Cold and Merciless, Cold and Inhuman."

A breeze gently flows through the area, every bush moving to the unseen force.

"I'm not good, I don't get better." His body slumps, "I just stagnate at best."

The two gems say nothing as they move closer to him, wrapping an arm each around his back and pulling him into a double side hug.

"Calm doesn't even describe it, it's just like a Null state where I'm completely unaware of any emotions I might have." He chuckles bitterly.

"And I'm a fantastic liar about my present emotional state." Steven chuckles mirthlessly, "I can't even be honest about the one thing that matters."

"You are now." Peridot quietly says, still loud enough for him to hear.

"I don't even know who I am." Steven admits.

"I feel like my soul just, occasionally, has enough energy to exist." He sighs out, exhausted.

"And other times I just want things dead and suffering at my feet." He says, clenching his fist and looking down in shame.

Lapis grimaces, understanding exactly what he's saying. After Malachite, she felt the same way, wanting to bring the same pain she felt to others.

"And all the rest of the time it's just, tired."

Peridot responds by hugging him tighter.

"Even when everything hurts to talk about, we'll always be here for you, Steven." Peridot comforts him 

"Yeah, man." Lapis says, "You were there for us through our darkest times, we'll be here for yours."

Steven says nothing as he pulls them in for a tighter hug.

"I'm not complaining about you coming to us or anything, I'm just curious, but why not go to Garnet, Pearl, or Amethyst about this?" Peridot asks after a few moments of thought.

Steven sighs.

"I feel like they still see me as Rose Quartz, or at least her son." Steven explains, "But with you two, I feel like you see me as just Steven. Not Rose, not Rose's son, just me. I don't have to live up to some legacy with you two, I can just be me and be seen."

"You shouldn't have to live up to Rose Quartz for the gems. She's gone and that's that." Peridot states, leaving no room for argument.

Steven sighs.

" _They were fine with the gems that would come into their lives now and again._ " Steven's voice sings through the flowery fields to an unheard tune, " _I was fine, but I knew that I didn't really matter until you._ "

" _They were fine when you came and we fought like it was all some silly game._ " He places a hand on the two gems' shoulders, " _Over me, who I'd be._ "

" _After all those years, they never thought they'd lose_." He drifts off.

" _It's over, isn't it?_ " Lapis sings, leaning on him, " _Isn't it? Isn't it over?_ "

" _It's over, isn't it?_ " Peridot steps in, " _Isn't it? Isn't it over?"_

" _You won and she chose you and she loved you and she's gone._ " Lapis picks back up, " _It's over, isn't it? Why can't they move on?_ "

" _War and glory, reinvention. Fusion, freedom, their attention._ " He sings sharply, " _Out in daylight, my potential: Crude, Bizarre, Coincidental."_

" _Who am I now in this world without her? Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her. What does it matter? It's already done._ " He sings with pain clear in his voice, " _Now I've got to be there as her son._ "

" _It's... over, isn't it?_ " Peridot sings to him, " _Isn't it? Isn't it over?_ "

" _It's over, isn't it?_ " Lapis steps in, " _Isn't it? Isn't it over?_ "

" _You won and she chose you and she loved you and she's gone._ " Peridot returns, " _It's over, isn't it? Why can't they move on?_ "

" _It's over, isn't it?_ " The three of them harmonize into the starry sky, " _Why can't they move on?_ "

**Author's Note:**

> I am likely never doing another songfic again, italicizing on mobile is a pain.


End file.
